Would You Tell This Man Your Life’s Story For $10?

Reed Sandridge faced being layed off by creating a fun project to do. He calls it the “Year of Giving” and does this to occupy him in his spare time while looking for a job.

Every day, Sandridge approaches a stranger on the street and offers them $10 to tell him their life story. So far he has given close to $1,200 away. After hearing their life story & interviewing them, Sandridge posts their story to his blog. So far he has done this for 116 days.

I thought this article was very interesting because it reminded me of a guest speaker I had in one of my History classes last semester. A new type of history that is taking place these days is recorded stories. One of the professors in the History department here at Baylor is involved in this new area of History. His research consists of going to visit people from different eras such as the civil rights era or WWII and recording their story on a tape recorder. I found this to be extremely interesting because this way you are hearing the story raw. At its basics. From the point of view of the person involved, without beint tampered with. When stories are written, a writer chooses what to include about a story in order to make the article “flow” the best. By doing so, the story is tampered - and looses its impact in a way. Through this new type of history, the subject has the ability to tell their story as they saw it. Putting emphasis where they see fit. And having their story unaltered. He played a few samples for our class when he visited and I was surprised by how much the actual voice impacted the story. I’m excited about this new type of history because I think it will be very cool for future generations to have the opportunity to hear stories from the past from mouths that were there to experience it.

I really think that what Sandridge is doing is cool. If I had money to just give away, I think I would do the same. There is nothing cooler than hearing the life stories of people – it’s cool when those people are your best friends, but how much cooler would it be if they were simply strangers? Maybe thats what I’ll do when I graduate. It beats looking for a job!

I’m strong.

So this boy.

 lovely when it starts like that, always a bad sign. I’ve found that in most cases it is never good for ‘a boy’ to consume ones thoughts so that it is the subject of their mind, thoughts, words and in this case writings. But yet, I can not help myself.

My summer fling has spilled over into the fall semester, and I keep switching back and forth between whether I should be dancing in the flood, or frantically trying to find the drain. Most of my confusion is a result of what I am assuming is his confusion. The whole situation is so sticky, and ridiculously complicated – and I know that he’s just scared of the consequences and losing everything that surrounds us. I think that it worries him that I’m not scared.

Looking back over the summer, I was so completely reckless and unpredictable. It was awesome. But it also almost got us ‘caught’ so many times. Kind of a rush actually. Whether I honestly just don’t care if everyone finds out, or if I almost want them to know that someone ” like him ” actually wants me… is still beyond me. And honestly I’m not doing too much soul searching to find which it is. I think a part of me wants my mother to know, about him and about the other one  – just so that i can be like HAH! But how childish of me. Really. Come one now.

So I was expecting nothing, at all, in true brutal honesty – when I came back to school. But to my surprise – I heard from him every day, all day, and it was cute stuff. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I would wake up to him, and go to sleep to him. And it stirred something in me that I had been trying to keep locked away for a long time. So i got used to this treatment, as any girl would. But after a trip to see him, a small fight, and a weekend without talking …. things are different.

I’m in a rut, because I have no idea how I really feel about him, if I really see a point to any of this. If it is actually him that I miss, or just the attention. I don’t even really know him. He’s the complete opposite of me in the aspect that he doesn’t open up, and I am rarely closed off. And it is frustrating because I get frustrated when I dont hear from him now – but i can’t. I can’t have any expectations. I can’t have any rules or guidelines. And the worst part is that I can’t have any reassurance – because i have no idea where he stands. I don’t know what he’s thinking about me. about us? about anything. And my battle is that I want to bring to his attention how confusing the signs of talking 24/7 to rarely at all each day is to me, but how can I. It’s not for me to expect it right?

Ive been practising things to say, how to bring it up, how to crack him for days now. He’s called a few times since I started practicing this speech. And every time I find an excuse of how not to give my presentation. I guess deep down I know that none of my answers are going to be answered, because I dont even know what questions to ask yet. I’m afraid of opening up to him, giving him a small glimpse into my head – just to receive the response of “uh-huh” or “yeah”. But I need to know.

Today he called. at a random time, but now it’s 8:00 and i havent heard from him since. A part of me thinks that I should be satisfied to hearing from him at all, but then the other part of me remembers the days when I didn’t go more than a few hours without hearing from him… and it’s weird to think its the same guy. Whichever way he prefers to keep in contact is fine, I just wish he wouldnt bounce between them. I need consistency.

So the question really comes back to what questions I want to know. And I still don’t know. I guess I want to know how he feels, without having to expose what I’m feeling. I don’t want him to know that I’m just as confused as him. Just as scared.

I’ve always considered myself strong. I want to be strong. I need to be strong. I’m supposed to be strong.

When does being a girly girl with inescapable emotions meet being strong without compromising, yet without being too stuburn.

This is my question.

Summer recap

Summer 2009 was definately one for the books. I’ll point out a few things, and then disect the ones that are really of interest:

• Completed a minimester online through MCC. Passed it even though I was completely distracted in Arkansas.
• Took 3 classes during Summer Session One here at Baylor. Media Law & Ethics, Bowling, & Photography.
• Made a great friend Rosie in my bowling class, and hilarious character Monique in Photography.
• Got to attend my Papa Mott’s last birthday party on June first.
• Lost my very first grandparent on June 10th.
• Had a wonderful 4th of July in Arkansas with my wonderful family.
• Jason was saved! 
• Finished up the summer session & returned to Arkansas for most of the remaining summer before the cruise.
• Floated the river with my wonderful Austin friends.
• Had an experience with my long time crush, was thoroughly disappointed, just reassured the fact that I don’t like him.
• Went on a British Isles cruise with 20 wonderful friends & family. Took over 1,400 pictures. love them all.
• Someone who has been right in front of me for a long time now has my full attention. and it scares me a little bit.
• Had a long lasting fight with my best friend over something so silly. Text messaging fights always end in disaster. (but its all worked out now!)

I knew my grandpa Mott was sick, and would not make it long since about April, but even knowing and being “prepared” is never enough. You can never be prepared for a death of someone close to you. I had been so matter-of-fact about the whole thing when it came up in conversation, i’m sure people thought that it was a bit insenstive of me, but i thought that i was making the inevitable easier on myself. I wasn’t. When the news came, it hardly seemed real. The whole drive home I was so shaken, and when I was finally surrounded by my family I broke down. The visitation, funeral, and burial were some of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. I think the hardest part was seeing my dad crying. I look up to and respect my dad so much, and to see him hurt – hurt me so much more. Also, seeing my grandmother in pain was almost unbearable. Her and Papa had one of those rare loves, the kind where you still hold hands even when your hair is grey, and you always want them by your side. The kind of love I hope to have someday. The service was absolutely beautiful, and could not have gone any better, the flowers were some of the prettiest flowers i’ve ever seen in my life, and everyone was very satisfied with the proceedings of the day. I know that papa is in a better place, and that he is pain free now, but I still miss him. It’s still weird going to see grandma and papa not being there.

So many times I take for granted the people in my life. I keep assuming that all of my friends and family will always be around. I keep picturing us all living in the same state, the same town, even on the same street. The stereotypical white fences, our kids being best friends, and always having my mema around to babysit. I know that this will never be the case, that my fairytale life will never actually work out – and i know that i need to take advantage of my time here and my opportunities to make the most of every situation and relationship that i am dealt.

I want to love strongly, passionately, selflessly. I want those close to me to know that they are loved. I want them to know that I would do anything for them, because I would. I fear that I am closed off with my feelings for most of them, and i think this is because i have been away for so long. Sometimes i feel so distant and different than everyone. But I love them all nonetheless more than they will ever know I’m sure.

when you find yourself…

It’s been a long year. I made a whole new group of friends, and it definately had its benefits. As the semester is coming to a close, I feel like I’m finally making a full circle and becoming who I once was, and who i want to be. I’m not there yet though, I’ve got quite a ways to go. But I’m making progress, and I’m happy.

I rejoined the bible study I was apart of sophmore year, and it’s been really good. We’ve been learning about the attriubutes of God. It just seems so perfect, and so fitting for all of the things i’ve been going through lately. I needed to know the God desires me, and that He is trustworthy. And I needed to know that He is responsive! We’ve learned how to become intimate with God, and that he is righteous. It’s all things that i’ve always known, but i almost feel like I’ve wondered so far away from Him, that even the most basic things are so important and worth knowing right now. Coming to college has brought to light a lot of things that i never dealt with in the past – and now the most comforting thing that I’m beginning to accept again is that i can TRUST God. He never did anything to loose my trust, I just blamed Him for things that I don’t understand.

I’ve also realized the importance of TRUE friends. They are rare, and they are worth holding onto with all your might. I took them for granted, and tried to make new friends in a new circle. It was so important to me to be accepted by this new group — sort of as a challenge — and when I was finally completely accepted, I realized I didn’t want in at all – - i wanted out. They weren’t the kind of people who built me up, or made me a better person. Instead I began to see a completely different side of me come out, a side that i never wanted to be revealed. God finally brought this to my attention through a set of rude-awakenings. At the time i couldn’t understand why God would want to break me, but now it seems clear. He broke me, to make me whole again. I’m not whole yet, but he’s working on me. My heart has been pretty hard for the past 2-3 years at least, and he’s softening it up. I’m excited to see what he has in store. I’m thankful for my good, God-fearing friends. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I’m getting back into touch with one of my best guy friends – Nick. I used to be so close to him, before i strayed. I looked for a good guy-friend in the other group & came up empty-handed. I kept thinking they would eventually turn into my Peter & Kevin, and it just never happened. God had to give me a wake-up call before I would finally realize that. Thanks for that Jesus.

SO… here i am… back to self discovery. I think i’m closer than I’ve been in such a long time.

The past week has broken me. I had so much with school, and was at the library 24/7 and my stress level was at its max. Not to mention that one of my friends had made a comment about ho ho’s & twinkies – basically calling me fat. And then this weekend I hear that one of my best guy friends has also called me fat behind my back. I feel hopeless. I always used to tell myself that my mom was crazy, and that when my actual friends started calling me fat – then I would realize that things were pretty serious. Well, that day has obviously come. It’s been mentioned twice within a week. I may have made a mistake in choosing certain friends, and I feel as if I am in too deep to know what to do. All I ever wanted to do was be a good friend to someone who needed that. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel so embarrassed. I feel ashamed to look like I do, to give people that opportunity to hurt me like this. I feel empty, I’ve lost myself in this process and I’ve lost my faith. I don’t know where to turn, or what to say, how to respond, and what to think. All I can think to do is reach out, and hopefully God will meet me halfway. I’m broken.

tonight is one of those rare nights that I want a boyfriend. Of course I always make this longing worse by looking through old messages from Sam & Peter in my facebook. FML

kiss and tell…

I’ve never really been one to just randomly make out with people, infact I think that I’m a little odd in that area because prior to last night, I had never even kissed a boy that I wasn’t dating. I decided that that needed to change, now that doesn’t mean I made a conscious decision to become a slut, I just convinced myself that it’s okay to kiss someone evry once in a while – EVEN if you’re not technically dating. SO – I hung out with Blake two nights ago, and I made up my mind – he’d be a good place to start. Last night we hung out, he took me to (and payed for) a movie. Then we went to his place, and made out. Suprisingly it wasn’t life altering, or even awkward. I didn’t do it sooner with him because I was afraid he would tell people, but at this point – I’m not really sure I care. I’m not sure if that fixed my curious problem, or if I will continue to pursue my liking for a good make out sesh. only time with tell…

loved.

 

I want to be loved. I want to be in love.

i know this is really cliche and kind of silly – but it’s natural. as much as women now a days try to hide it – it was how we were made. we can’t help it. I keep seeing on facebook, on TV, in movies, and everywhere i look – people in love. It doenst help much that it’s the christmas season. In fact it makes it ten times worse. I just needed to write it down, cause it’s all i can think about. I want to be loved – there I said it.

the white sheep

Virginity seems to be so rare now-a-days. I feel like I’m an outcast, and the weird one because everyone else does it. This fact doesn’t at all change my stance, but it definately makes me feel hopeless somedays. My friend Kevin is in town for the A&M vs. BAYLOR game – we just won 41/21. But at lunch he shared some info that made my heart hurt – Peter is no longer a virgin. In fact, he’s somewhat of a manwhore. I know it’s stupid, but my heart broke a little bit when he told me that…and i had to get control of myself so i wouldn’t cry infront of him, or in the restaurant. I don’t really know why it affected me so much. I can’t tell if its because i was his first kiss, and his first love. Or if it’s because somewhere deep down inside me I didn’t want to let go of the hope that maybe someday we’d end up back together, and complete the fairytell that I’d once dreamed of. I can’t say that I’m suprised at all, just disappointed. I thought that for sure he’d hold out, maybe tell people that he was no longer a virgin to look cool ( because that is what Peter would do ) but not actually do it. where’d my peter go? I miss him so much.

Another frustrating point. It seems like more & more guys have lost interest in me when they learn that I am a virgin & intend to stay so. For example skyler. He keeps making stupid comments about it all the time, and acts like i’m some white sheep never tainted by dirt or something. He knows what all I’ve done, and my views on most things – so I just don’t get why he does that. He got so frustrated when I told him that kevin was going to stay with me at my apartment. He couldnt believe that i would do that, and he was warning me that kevin was going to try & make a move on me or something. It was absolutely rediculous. But i really hate that… i hate how most guys are just in it for the instant gratification & pleasure. I just wanna be grown up already and married to someone who loves me. I hate boys.

almost lovers…

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

 

I defriended Anthony. I ignored his text, and his message. I was going to get over him, by ignoring him. But I realized that he thought i was mad at him for not getting coffee again… and I don’t want him to think that I’m mad at him. ‘Cause i’m not mad, I just want to be done. And the only way i can make sure that that happens is by getting rid of all the small things that keep us connected. I keep up with him by looking at his facebook or myspace. Or by sending him stupid facebook messages saying everything but how i actually feel. So in order to rid myself of my pointless hopes… I cut it off at the root. Unfortunately he noticed soon after and texted me. He asked if i was mad. I ignored it. Then two days later he sent me a facebook msg calling me weak…real weak. So i responded asking for clarification on what weak meant. He just responded by saying that he wasn’t sure on why i was mad at him, and wanting me to “shine some light on him”. That was friday, today is wednesday. He called yesterday but i  missed it. I am on the border, and don’t know which side i should choose. My mind tells me to just explain it to him and forget about him. It’s the logical thing to do, and would save me the heartache. Yet I also know that you can’t just turn off the switch to my heart. It’s going to like him no matter what i do, at least thats how its always been up to now. My mom keeps telling me not to completely give up on him, but to just put him on my ‘options’ list. which i agree to an extent, but it’s so hard for me to do that with him especially when i have him on my “obsessed” with list. I think that this is what i need to do to put him on that list. or i hope it will get the job done.  – so i’m supposed to call him or him call me or talk to him on the phone sometime soon. I just keep putting it off because i don’t know how to describe this to him. How do you tell someone that they mean TOO much to you, so much that it’s unhealthy…and that you don’t feel like this road is going to lead you anywhere? how does a woman reveal her soul to a man, without being too emotional, or too blunt…or too much of an open book. I just wish he could see that he means the world to me, and that i would wait for him. if it wasn’t so hard. and if it wasn’t affecting every area of my life. Why can’t God just take feelings away. My mom & rowdy think i shouldn’t give up. And i can’t really decide what to do, but the song “almost lovers” seems to be explaining what i’m feeling right now. blah – i dunno what to do.