when you find yourself…
It’s been a long year. I made a whole new group of friends, and it definately had its benefits. As the semester is coming to a close, I feel like I’m finally making a full circle and becoming who I once was, and who i want to be. I’m not there yet though, I’ve got quite a ways to go. But I’m making progress, and I’m happy.
I rejoined the bible study I was apart of sophmore year, and it’s been really good. We’ve been learning about the attriubutes of God. It just seems so perfect, and so fitting for all of the things i’ve been going through lately. I needed to know the God desires me, and that He is trustworthy. And I needed to know that He is responsive! We’ve learned how to become intimate with God, and that he is righteous. It’s all things that i’ve always known, but i almost feel like I’ve wondered so far away from Him, that even the most basic things are so important and worth knowing right now. Coming to college has brought to light a lot of things that i never dealt with in the past – and now the most comforting thing that I’m beginning to accept again is that i can TRUST God. He never did anything to loose my trust, I just blamed Him for things that I don’t understand.
I’ve also realized the importance of TRUE friends. They are rare, and they are worth holding onto with all your might. I took them for granted, and tried to make new friends in a new circle. It was so important to me to be accepted by this new group — sort of as a challenge — and when I was finally completely accepted, I realized I didn’t want in at all – - i wanted out. They weren’t the kind of people who built me up, or made me a better person. Instead I began to see a completely different side of me come out, a side that i never wanted to be revealed. God finally brought this to my attention through a set of rude-awakenings. At the time i couldn’t understand why God would want to break me, but now it seems clear. He broke me, to make me whole again. I’m not whole yet, but he’s working on me. My heart has been pretty hard for the past 2-3 years at least, and he’s softening it up. I’m excited to see what he has in store. I’m thankful for my good, God-fearing friends. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I’m getting back into touch with one of my best guy friends – Nick. I used to be so close to him, before i strayed. I looked for a good guy-friend in the other group & came up empty-handed. I kept thinking they would eventually turn into my Peter & Kevin, and it just never happened. God had to give me a wake-up call before I would finally realize that. Thanks for that Jesus.
SO… here i am… back to self discovery. I think i’m closer than I’ve been in such a long time.
