I’m strong.
So this boy.
lovely when it starts like that, always a bad sign. I’ve found that in most cases it is never good for ‘a boy’ to consume ones thoughts so that it is the subject of their mind, thoughts, words and in this case writings. But yet, I can not help myself.
My summer fling has spilled over into the fall semester, and I keep switching back and forth between whether I should be dancing in the flood, or frantically trying to find the drain. Most of my confusion is a result of what I am assuming is his confusion. The whole situation is so sticky, and ridiculously complicated – and I know that he’s just scared of the consequences and losing everything that surrounds us. I think that it worries him that I’m not scared.
Looking back over the summer, I was so completely reckless and unpredictable. It was awesome. But it also almost got us ‘caught’ so many times. Kind of a rush actually. Whether I honestly just don’t care if everyone finds out, or if I almost want them to know that someone ” like him ” actually wants me… is still beyond me. And honestly I’m not doing too much soul searching to find which it is. I think a part of me wants my mother to know, about him and about the other one – just so that i can be like HAH! But how childish of me. Really. Come one now.
So I was expecting nothing, at all, in true brutal honesty – when I came back to school. But to my surprise – I heard from him every day, all day, and it was cute stuff. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I would wake up to him, and go to sleep to him. And it stirred something in me that I had been trying to keep locked away for a long time. So i got used to this treatment, as any girl would. But after a trip to see him, a small fight, and a weekend without talking …. things are different.
I’m in a rut, because I have no idea how I really feel about him, if I really see a point to any of this. If it is actually him that I miss, or just the attention. I don’t even really know him. He’s the complete opposite of me in the aspect that he doesn’t open up, and I am rarely closed off. And it is frustrating because I get frustrated when I dont hear from him now – but i can’t. I can’t have any expectations. I can’t have any rules or guidelines. And the worst part is that I can’t have any reassurance – because i have no idea where he stands. I don’t know what he’s thinking about me. about us? about anything. And my battle is that I want to bring to his attention how confusing the signs of talking 24/7 to rarely at all each day is to me, but how can I. It’s not for me to expect it right?
Ive been practising things to say, how to bring it up, how to crack him for days now. He’s called a few times since I started practicing this speech. And every time I find an excuse of how not to give my presentation. I guess deep down I know that none of my answers are going to be answered, because I dont even know what questions to ask yet. I’m afraid of opening up to him, giving him a small glimpse into my head – just to receive the response of “uh-huh” or “yeah”. But I need to know.
Today he called. at a random time, but now it’s 8:00 and i havent heard from him since. A part of me thinks that I should be satisfied to hearing from him at all, but then the other part of me remembers the days when I didn’t go more than a few hours without hearing from him… and it’s weird to think its the same guy. Whichever way he prefers to keep in contact is fine, I just wish he wouldnt bounce between them. I need consistency.
So the question really comes back to what questions I want to know. And I still don’t know. I guess I want to know how he feels, without having to expose what I’m feeling. I don’t want him to know that I’m just as confused as him. Just as scared.
I’ve always considered myself strong. I want to be strong. I need to be strong. I’m supposed to be strong.
When does being a girly girl with inescapable emotions meet being strong without compromising, yet without being too stuburn.
This is my question.
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